Well, to begin this post, I’m going to start off by saying that I’ll be going on an indefinite hiatus from Tumblr, and I may possibly not come back. I won’t be deleting mine, though. I’m tired of sitting here and complaining about the things that I should be out fixing. I’m tired of sitting here, making myself believe that the things I post are going to make a difference in my life somehow, because they aren’t, and they never will. I’m tired of trying to convince myself that somehow, things will work out, because I’ve been trying to be a better person than I was before. Instead of being some sort of ignorant and depressing numbskull, I’ve been trying to be optimistic about my life, since things were starting to look up for once. I promised myself that I wouldn’t be the same loathing, apprehensive person that I was last year. Some things just never change, though. I created this Tumblr with the sole purpose that I would have somewhere to freely express myself, exchange ideas with others, and rant about how I was feeling. A year and a half later, my ambitions have only slightly changed in a way where I only seem to be ranting about specific people. That’s not who I want to be, because I’ve never really been one to complain about anything in general.

I’m about to contradict myself with this next paragraph, but… ahhh, what the fuck? I don’t give a shit about anyone else’s feelings right now. As I had previously stated, I promised myself that I wouldn’t be the same loathing, apprehensive person that I used to be, and now, the shoe appears to be on the other foot. I’ve been dragging my knuckles for the past two days because you can’t seem to make up your mind about a single thing, and it’s killing me. I’m sorry, but if you are so indecisive about what you want, then why did you tell me the things that you did a week ago? Why did you even bother to share your “feelings” with me? Were you even being honest, or were you just telling me what I wanted to hear? Actually, do you even remember what happened? Because you do an excellent job at making it seem as though it was nothing. I’m so tired of hearing that you’re nothing special, or anything about you being a fucked up person. Fine, I understand that you haven’t exactly had it so great all of your life, but, you know what? You don’t know me, and you don’t know what I’ve been through. I’m about as fucked up as you are, if not more. Did you know that I didn’t even get to go to school for my senior year, like everyone else? Probably not, but that doesn’t even scratch the surface of my problems. Maybe that’s the reason why I’ve always told you that I don’t want you to skip school for the wrong reason. Fortunately for you, though, I’m not here to compete over who had it worse. My point for bringing it up? You didn’t even know. And if you did, it’s because someone else told you. I can’t even feel comfortable opening up to you at this point, because you can be such an angry person for some of the most illegitimate reasons. And do you know what else? Every single day, it was always the same thing. Either I had to initiate a conversation with you, or we just wouldn’t talk. There were some days when I was just so worn out from work that the only energy I had was to go home and flop on to my bed and lay there for hours. Also, I was always the one who asked to hang out with you. You never even bothered to ask me. Half of the time, it felt like a chore just to get you to hang out with me. Aside from having to work, I am always available, seeing as I’m not in school right now. You make it seem like being in a relationship takes too much effort, but it doesn’t. There are only two things I require in a relationship: talking, and hanging out. Two of the things that you couldn’t seem to do, and still can’t. And even with that in mind, I wasn’t looking to immediately get into a relationship. As a matter of fact, correct me if I’m wrong, but every other time we had something going, you were the one who wanted the relationship. Also, I don’t quite understand why you say that you’re not ready for a relationship. When we broke up last December, you told me the same thing, after I wrote to you my apology that I sent merely an hour before I went in for my surgery (that you still don’t know anything about (I wasn’t planning on telling you more until afterwards)). However, barely one month later, you were already involved with another guy. I wonder if you knew how shitty that made me feel, especially since I was the person who left you that Christmas present at your door (which you probably already knew about anyway). It was actually something that I was planning on giving you for Christmas, until we broke up. But, I had already spent the money, so I wasn’t going to let it go to waste. I was actually planning on giving it to you along with the major explanation as to why I’m so fucked up, and why I was having surgery. But, after everything, I figured it would be best not to put that burden into your hands. If you’re telling me that you can’t even take care of yourself right now, then why can’t you let me take care of you? Why is it so hard for you to see why I care for you so much? You are the only girl who has ever accepted me for what I am, and for every single flaw that I have. You have never judged me, and I will always show you the same respect. Do you know how many people have made a comment to me about how you dated a girl for the longest time? Well, to be honest, I don’t care. You’re still a human being, and the most beautiful one to me, inside and out, regardless of your flaws. I know you can’t see what I see in you, but I really can’t see what you see in me, either. I’m not expecting you to read this, or see this, or anything. I just felt like, for the past year, I’ve had so many things cooped up inside of me that I needed to let out. This seems to be the most appropriate place and time to do it, and now that it’s all out, I feel so much better. There will always be a place for you in my life, whether you decide you want to be a part of it or not, but that’s your choice now, not mine. And as my favorite Paramore song states: ”This is not your fault, but if I’m without you, then I will feel so small. And if you have to go, always know that you shine brighter than anyone does.”

To the rest of my 245 followers, I’m sorry that this message is cluttering up your dashboard. You’ve all been so nice to me, and I thank you for everything. I will still be on Facebook, of course, and there’s a link in my about me (I think). I may return in a few months time, but for now, I’m logging out for the last time.

Tagged: goodbye